antfarm3

Literature Department Holiday Carols (Fall 2005)

All I Want for Christmas

All I want for Christmas

Is an Incomplete

An Incomplete,

An Incomplete!

I’m gonna ruin my Christmas

With an Incomplete.

Fuck off mom,

Can’t you see I’m working?

Student Evals

(tune: I’ll Be Home for Christmas)

Legally, you see,

I can’t be here watching you

While you are screwing me.

That I bought for you?

And how ‘bout those inflated grades

I gave for paper two?

Ah, my little friend,

I’ll be in the hallway,

Plotting my revenge.

The Little Listserv War

(tune: The Little Drummer Boy)

Don’t you remember me?

tap tap tap tap tap

I used to haunt your sleep

tap tap tap tap tap

I am a listserv war

tap tap tap tap tap

I left you wanting more

tap tap tap tap tap

tap tap tap tap

tap tap tap tap

We Three Xerox Copiers

(tune: We Three Kings)

Thanks to Rodney the business czar,

User-friendly, durable, trendy,

(You still won’t need a card.)

All the old machines have died?

Well, your projects were so boring,

It was a suicide.

The CV Song

(tune: The Dreidel Song)

I made a little CV,

And half of it is fake,

But who has time to read

All the way to the 19th page?

Oh CV, CV, CV,

You think that yours is great?

I’m gonna take your job

When we get to the MLA

Stevens’ “The Snowman”

(tune: Frosty the Snowman)

Stevens’ “The Snowman”

Is an overrated poem.

I don’t care what all the critics say

Or if H. Bloom wants to blow him.

Stevens’ “The Snowman”

Is an overrated poem.

But I teach it in E-28

Just to make the class feel stoned.

Thy Rod and Thy Staff

(tune: Merry Little Christmas)

Have yourself a

Month of paid vacation;

Ours is just a week.

No one gives a

Shit about the Third Critique.

Maybe you could

Cool it with your bitching;

Your job’s not so hard,

Don’t forget your

Units with the registrar!

While you’re gone we’ll file

paperwork,

Budgets, schedules galore.

All the headaches you don’t

Think about

Cause you left them at our door.

We can’t wait to

Hear about your trip to

Aspen or Madrid,

All the precious

Bullshit that you said and did.

So have yourself

A month of paid vacation, kid.